His ways are not our ways

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways", declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)

It's interesting how every time a challenge presents itself in my life, I find myself falling back into a certain "comfort mode". No, it's not food or drinking or any of the "common" things associated with self-soothing. My comfort mode is made up of a combination of the same thinking patterns, habits (yes, cleaning and running are high on this habit list...), and most of all, music and words. Music being Sara Grove's music, and words being the poems of my favorite poet Rose Auslaender and the same Scriptures that bring me peace and reassurance.
Inevitably, my favorite lyrics, poems and scriptures will find some application to the challenge at hand, which leads me to believe they all must have some common denominator, and therefore an inherent lesson for me to grasp and internalize.
Haden cautions me not to "overspiritualize" things, and to a degree, I agree with him. Not everything that happens is a "lesson" or a "wake-up call" from the Lord. Some things just happen - no, not by coincidence, but also not as an admonition from God. While I do try to catch a glimpse of the King of King's involvement in the most minute details of my life and in prayer and just spiritual awareness recognize His blessings and His grace covering my shortcomings, I would miss out on a lot of "living" if that was my sole focus in all things. But - with the big things, or the issues that keep coming up time after time, I feel like I do have the responsibility of looking out for His involvement - be that in the form of a blessing, a provision, an admonision, a challenge, or a call for action.
So as we continue to stumble over obstacles in this seemingly self-explanatory immigration process, I can't help but look at it from a spiritual perspective and ask myself what it is that the Lord has for us in this. I have no doubt His Hand and His Blessings have been upon mine and Haden's relationship from the very minute we met. There have been too many miracles, too many"small" yet fundamental developments that have had the Lord's signature on them, too many answered prayers for me to be doubting to be in His Will. Yet - there continue to be very frustrating and hard-to-understand impediments when it comes to the legal side of things. I have serached myself and the manner in which we have approached and handled the process so far, and just cannot find anything that we could have done differently. So, there has got to be something else.

So while I am finding myself upset and angry and frustrated over the obstacles and restrictions the immigration office is putting on our lives with their seemingly petty reasons for denying my permanent residence and the subsequent threat of deportation, I find my heart weighing heavy with compassion for all those families out there in the same positions. Families, couples, that might not have the same support system, the same resources, language skills, or will to fight as we do - what do they do? They get torn apart - I have read plenty of stories of a dad or a mom being deported and seperated from their partner and kids for months and sometimes years on end - they struggle, they give up, they despair. On the other side of the immigration debate that has the million of illegal immigrants from third-world countries as their figureheads for ever-stricter immigration laws are the people and families who are in it for the purest reasons, expsoing their most private lives to government inspection and still encountering rejection after rejection. I could go on and on over this injustice, but that is not my point, at least not the one I have been thinking about.
Because of my faith and my absolute security in knowing that God is going to make a way for us, I know that our case will be resolved and taken care of. I don't know when or how or how long it will be until I get to see my family in Germany and until they get to see their first grandson and nephew, but I know it's only a matter of time. But what about all the others?
I confess, I am a very self-involved person. I am touched by a lot of tragedies that happen in the world (around me and at large), but at the end of the day, it takes a lot for me to get up and do something about it. So I know that it is the Lord Himself instilling this compassion and willingness to fight this injustice beyond just the benefits for us when I feel a burden on my heart that's not satisfied by a simple prayer. I don't know yet what form that will take on in the future or what it will look like to "fight" the immigration injustice, but it is my fervent prayer that God will make it very clear to me and Haden if and how He wants us to be advocates in this debate.
The burden on my heart is too heavy to just resolve our case and let it be. And I am wondering how much this has to do with being a parent and thinking about the legacy I will leave for my son. Nicole Nordeman has a song called "Brave" that says "So long, status quo, I think I've just let go, You make me wanna be brave. The way it always was is no longer good enough...You make me wanna be brave". It is no longer good enough to see an injustice and do just enough to make it not affect me and my life. I want to leave a legacy that goes beyond self-satisfying justification and touches on self-sacrifice on behalf of others. In small, everyday ways, and in big ones that require me to step out way beyond my comfort zone.

James 1:2-6 says:
²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

Oh, how I pray for God to develop perseverance in me through these trials! To get closes to a wisdom, and a doubtless faith. For myself, my marriage, my friendships, and generations to come.

The Prodigal Daugther

Fot the first time in my christian walk, I truly feel like the prodigal daughter. And I am not even sure I am returning. All I know is that I desperately want to return home into the true presence of the Father. Oh, I know He is right here. I know He has been right here beside me while I lived my life for the past 14 months, while I got married, while I became a wife to my husband and a mother to my son. I know just as He ordered each one of my steps, He accompanied, protected, led and encouraged me along the path. Did I always feel His presence? I guess so; or at least some part of me trusted in it. Did I always acknowledge it when I should have? Probably not. And therein lies the problem. Not in the "should-have". God doesn't operate with "shoulds". But I know He rejoices in a fully surrendered heart, and I am not sure I gave that to Him every step of the way for the past 14 months of my life. I was too caught up with being elated, mesmerized, and simply happy with all the indescribably joyous turns my life took in the past year and a half. Do I think the King of Kings didn't rejoice with me? No. I know for a fact He did, for I know He "weeps with those who weep, rejoices with those who rejoice". He operates completely independant of our faithfulness to Him, and oh, what a reassurance that is to me. I know that the God of the Universe danced right beside me and Haden on April 11th, our wedding day. I see Him sitting on the couch in our newly built living room, listening to our conversations about what parenthood was going to be like, and I see Him smiling at our misconceptions about how having a child would change our lives. I see Him get in the car with us each one of those sunday mornings that we went out to visit yet another church, trying to find a place for us to call our "church home", and giving us thumps up or down, directing and leading us to where He determined we would be most blessed for the time being. I am pretty sure there He was, in the delivery room, whispering into Haden's ear:"it'll be alright, just trust in me", when Elias' heartrate dropped incontrollably and I really needed my husband to encourage me and remind me of the Lord's provision. I can see Him sing a song of love when Elias was finally born and our tears were flowing freely to the rythym of our new baby's strong heartbeat. Oh, and how I see glimpses of Him every time my gaze meets my husband's, the love of my life, or every time I look at my little angelboy, whose helplessness and dependence on me makes me feel like the greatest superhero.
And as frustrating as it is to wait for a green light to travel to Germany and finally see my family again, I have no doubt that the Lord of Lords Himself is sitting in that immigration office, saying to the case worker: "not yet".
The parts of me that our awesome Creator created to look beyond the obvious, to understand beyond the explainable, know without the slightest doubt that God has been there every second of every day of my life for the past 14 months.
It's just that....I feel like I haven't always been there. My head and my heart have been preoccupied with such simple bliss and excitement that I have failed to recognize the source of all that bliss and excitement too many times. And you know what? I don't even really believe that God minds so much. Because, like I said earlier, He was there every step of the way, and He rejoiced with me every step of the way. But it was me who missed out. I missed out on so many opportunities to enjoy closeness with my Creator simply because I was too preoccupied to see His Hand in it. That's why I feel like the prodigal daughter. I look at all the almost inconceivable events that have taken place in my life, and I know so clearly how God orchestrated each and every one of them. But when I think back to going through all those events, I see the million opportunities I missed to be in perfect communion with the King of Kings, and I grieve.
So here I am, at the beginning of a new year when things are finally slowing down, and the fairytale life that the Lord has given me is finally starting to feel real - raw, emotional, grateful, and slightly regretful - ready again to enter into an up-close-and-personal relationship with my Creator. Ready to allow Him to enter into aspects of my consciousness again that were closed off to Him by my own choice and hedonism for the past year and beyond. Ready to sacrifice the "My life is great I can do it on my own" attitude for the familiarity of something so much bigger and stronger than me. Am I truly willing to give up my pride, my untouchable happiness, , my pseudo-autonomy for a life-changing, complacency-challenging allience with my King of Kings?
I guess the next few weeks will tell. Here I am Lord - meet me where I am at, and take me to places I have never even imagined before.

Cinderella

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

(Steven Curtis Chapman - "Cinderella")

Every time I listen to this song, I start crying. Haden played it to me the other night in the car, and in the midst of all the excitement we have going on right now planning our wedding, planning our future, wondering what God has in store for us, I am realizing how much my life is changing, and how incredibly blessed I am. I can see my dad standing there waiting for me to come out of the dressing room at the church, in my wedding dress, ready for him to walk me down the aisle and give me away to his new son-in-law. And suddenly all the memories rush back of him being the best dad a girl could ever wish for. The ways he has cared for me, loved me, taught me, protected me, shaped and molded me. All the times he unconditionally supported all my crazy plans and dreams - not because they were particularly smart or sensible, but simply because he believed in the one who came up with them, and he decided that loving and supporting me without condition would teach me immeasurably more than correcting or disillusioning me ever could.

The creative and selfless ways that my earthly father has loved me in the past 25 years have greatly influenced and shaped my relationship with my heavenly Father. So often I think of and thank the Lord for providing a dad who - even though he never consciously tried - mirrored so many of the characteristics of God to me. It is because of my dad that it is easy and comfortable and possible for me to even start fathoming the kind of love that God has for me. Because of the promises whispered to me as a child I can now be excited and head into an unknown future without any fears or worries. Job 8:7-10 says: Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. Ask the former generations and find out what their fathers learned, or we were born only yesterday and know nothing, and our days on earth are but a shadow. Will they not instruct you and tell you. Will they not bring forth words from their understanding?

It is the instructions I was given by a caring earthly father that allow me to listen to, value and desire to obey the instructions I am given by my heavenly father. My dad has lived his life in such an honorable, straight-forward and honest way that everything he says and does transpires into the hearts and minds of his daughters. Never did I have to questions for even a second that every word he has ever said, every decision he has ever made was said and done with my sister's and my best interest in mind. What a blessing! And what a path he (unknowingly) created for me to walk on and ultimately meet my heavenly father! When I read the Word today and find those same provisions, those words of wisdom and love there, how easy is it for me to accept and trust that my heavenly father has my best interest in mind:

Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many.

I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths.

When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble.

Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.

Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.

Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.

Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(Proverbs 4:10-14, 23-27)

Treasuring these words in my heart, finding guidance and comfort in them, strengthens my desire to pass these things on to future generations. When I listen to the words of Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Cinderella", I do not only find my own dad in it, but I also see Haden dance with the children we don't yet have, whispering God's promises into their ears, preparing them for a life of faith by living and breathing a life of integrity himself, just like my own dad did and does. When I listen to this song, I see and feel the seams of different generations, of different families, of different value systems run together into a colorful quilt that tells of a Love that reaches beyond those differences and whispers promises of eternity.

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;

his greatness no one can fathom.

One generation will commend your works to another;

they will tell of your mighty acts

They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,

and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

(Psalm 145:3-5)

Everyday miracles

It's the everyday miracles that keep my hope alive

It's the way You move in little things that help me survive

And I know You move in greater ways

But this is great enough for me

What You do with my everyday is amazing

The things that seem impossible, I lay down at Your feet

And just when I am needing most You are there for me

And I know you've made the lame to walk

And caused the blind to see

But what You do with my everyday is amazing

When I'm down on my knees

And I can't make it through

When it's up to me

It's really up to You

(Sara Groves)

I have been amazed lately by the ways God works His miracles in my everyday life. The God that is so much bigger than I could ever fathom or imagine makes Himself small enough to be a part of my everyday life. He cares about the smallest choices, the most seemingly insignificant actions, and He both motivates and holds me accountable to them.

Life throws its changes and ups and downs, its sorrows and joys at me, and I am left with an arrangement of choices to react to all of these. Do I pick up the phone of a sister who calls me everyday just to fill another 5 minutes of her empty life? Do I send off this eMail to my coworker that could easily wait another couple of days? Do I keep this letter from a dear friend that was written years ago or do I throw it out to save some space in my drawers? Do I reach out to my friend who hasn't bothered to call in more than half a year, just because she's been on my mind for some reason?

Choices we face every day, and they seem so insignificant. Sometimes they matter more to Him than they do to us. Because all of our choices, no matter how small they might seem, carry consequences, and those matter to the Lord, because in and through them, He molds, shapes, teaches and changes us. He is at the root and conclusion of everything - if we decide to give Him credit for it or not is up to us. If we do, we need to come face to face with our own inabilities, our restrictions and shortcomings. Because as much as we would like to, we cannot possibly foresee every consequence that each of our actions, as small as they might see, can have. But He can, and He does. He is the only One who knows that this sister calls because she is in desperate need of some human connection. That my coworker's promotion is dependent on this little piece of information that I had promised to provide. That the letter that I am about to throw out contains one of the most profound truths about His sovereignty that I ever need to understand, and that I won't understand it until I will re-read it a few years down the road. That the friend I am hesitating to reach out to will have the exact words to fill that empty spot in my heart today.

Small choices matter. God works miracles in our everyday lives and humbles Himself enough to take part in our mundane everyday lives. Go about your day with an open mind and an open heart, looking for clues to God's caring Love. You'll be amazed at the details you will find that hold the Lord's fingerprints.

Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

An Ode to the Book of Psalms

Psalm 66:19-20

but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

I have been so blessed by the Psalms in the past few days. Sometimes it is so easy to feel inadequate because I just cannot find words to pray, or even muster up the discipline to sit down and invest the immense effort of putting my thoughts, my emotions, the cries and joys of my heart into spoken words. Satan whispers in my ear that this is yet another failure, and lures me away from closeness to my Creator. But for times like these, for those days, or weeks, or even months, where the effort of formulating words out of an often overwhelmed heart or mind just seems to great to even attempt, God, in His absolute sovereignty, knowing the limitations and incapacities of His children, gave us HIS word to pray to Him. There is not an emotion, or fear, or joy, that is not expressed in the Psalms. And no matter where I open the book of Psalms and start reading, I always, without fail, find myself arriving at a verse, or several, that perfectly express what I am not able to. And simply reading, repeating the words of people who were just as incapable and limited as I am, breaks down the barriers of frustration and allows the Holy Spirit to minister to my heart.

Romans 8:26: In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

No major revelation today, just the recognition of God’s provision in a tangible way.

Jeremiah 32:17: "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.”